twenty-six apologies

andrew
sorry about the time i used your fake i.d. and it was taken away by the authorities. i’m sure it cost a ton to hire that lawyer to keep them from expelling you from boston university.

ben
the other night when i texted you to ask what you were doing, and you said, ‘babysitting’, i’m sorry that i wrote back, ‘don’t molest them’. i haven’t heard from you since, and i can only assume that you didn’t find that as funny as i did.

curtis
it was wrong of me to maliciously break your chair after the oasis concert. i was totally nuked, and when you asked us to be quiet so you could study, it really upset me. i was put off by the fact that you always had to read your school work out loud. i know now that this was my issue and that i should have been more understanding. you were an awesome roommate, but an even better friend. miss you, dude.

dave s.
don’t know why i always felt the need to look you up in the directory and prank you every time i visited umass amherst. we were always polite acquaintances, and even i never understood why you were a target. please forgive me. i know not what i do.

evan
still very sorry about the time i told you and your girlfriend that you guys looked like a couple of fucks standing in the cold on the lower east side. i meant it in an endearing sorta way – i recognize it didn’t come across like that. don’t be mad at me, my brother.

frank
i shouldn’t have carved matt kulik’s name onto the stall door of one of your toilets. i recognize this was an act of vandalism, but to my defense, it says worse things in that bathroom.

gibby
remember the time i convinced you to punch a hole in the wall of that weird party we were at? i probably shouldn’t have done that. when you were ejected i should have fessed up to being the instigator. instead i think i stayed there for two more days.

hans
please forgive me for tormenting you when you went through that phase of wearing that hair-pick comb in your weird afro. i should have been more understanding of your expression. not for nothing, but you are white.

ian
i shouldn’t have written you off after the time i went into the men’s room behind you and it smelled like someone had died in there. it was the first time i’d met you, and i probably shouldn’t have cast a judgment so hastily. it was also wrong of me to announce this to everyone, even your own close, personal friends. but really, dude, that shit was just nasty.

jonathan
i shouldn’t have made that ‘madea goes to saugus’ picture in ms paint with you as madea. i’ll admit i went too far with collecting images of your sisters and cousins and putting them on there as well. i probably shouldn’t have plastered that shit all over facebook. lo siento.

kate
in the eighth grade i used to poke fun of you because you had an immense gap between your teeth. i probably did this because i was insecure or because somehow, it weirdly turned me on. as luck would have it, the following year i developed an even greater gap between my front two teeth. it was an important lesson. what goes around, cums around. i used to make fun of this other friend because he started balding at an early age. once again, this bit me in the ass and the same thing happened to me the following year. i’d better not make fun of anyone’s dick size in the near future…

lee
it wasn’t nice of me to constantly make fun of your piano belt. i can only deduce that i was envious of your ability to confidently express yourself. really, i think we might have had deeper rooted issues between us, but i’m willing to forget all that now if you are.

morgan
sorry i simultaneously went out with someone with your same name for a long time.

nissa
one time when we were little kids and your dad and my mom lived together, i put burs in your bed when you weren’t around. it was a total prickbag move on my part. please accept this apology. i was probably jealous or some shit.

olliecat
i shouldn’t have gone so far as to draft a craigslist listing for you. you scratched me up real good and i was hurt emotionally and physically. i guess i should have seen it coming. you are feral after all. sorry, brotherman.

pats (my moms)
i apologize for telling you i had a job at the post office for an entire summer during my first bout of college. when you thought i was hard at work i was usually walking through the woods or at the movies or fishing and drinking 40′s.

Q?
seeing as how i don’t know anyone with a name that starts with ‘q’, i’ll give this apology to the guy whose car i puked in when he picked me up hitchhiking.

ruth
i sincerely apologize (again) for the time i didn’t show up to work and you had to do a 15 hour day at the age of ’78.

steve stevenson
sorry i broke your father’s record of never being thrown out of a bar. it was wrong of me to spit on the floor of the penalty box after the bob dylan concert. how was i to know that they would kick every one of us out?

thom
i’ll never forget the time you gave me a three hour ride home from the berkshires when i was stranded out there. i’m really sorry i had no money for gas or smokes and had to compensate you in porno dvds and tapes. it really hurt to give up ‘the mobster’s wife’. at the time that was like this state of the art masterpiece that everyone talked about. i loved how you could switch the angles and scenarios. still though, i really appreciate your doing that for me. i’m forever in your debt, my brother.

uncle jim
remember the time we did the vinyl siding job on canobie lake and we lost electricity because someone nailed into the central power line? i never told you this, but i think it was me that banged that nail. work was suspended and everyone had to go home. there was a shit ton of people working that day, and inevitably it probably set you back some big bucks. it was a saturday and it was side job money. i’m truly sorry if, in fact, it was me. please don’t kill me. one time when i was painting a ceiling, you told me that if i set off the sprinkler system to walk out the building, get in my little car, and not to show up to your house for xmas. maybe now you can understand why i’ve been mute about the power line issue.

vince
it’s not nice that i describe you to people as looking like a serial killer. i’ll cut that shit out. désolé

willie
sorry about the time when we were making pizzas together, and i left the oven door open and you got a third degree burn on your arm.

x
got nothing for this one. sorry to you, the reader. thanks for reading this.

yuri
one time we ran into one another and you pretended not to know me. i was somewhat put off by this so i deleted you from fbook. if we can’t be friends in real life, then we can’t be friends on the interwebs. sorry.

zoey
sorry i never called you back, but you smelt like pickles and farts.

regrettably, this is all true. i changed a few names to protect a couple of people – and myself. i can honestly tell you that i am sorry for all of this. while i have had my bouts of shittiness, i am determined to be a much better person.

don’t be mad at me.

by
john ryan gallagher